Im Yirtzeh Hashem by Me-Poem

I wish to thank Liba, for sending me this poem which was featured in this week's Yated Ne'eman, Reader's Write section.

I don't know who wrote this but I hope I have your permission to reprint, as it is too amazing to not...

"Im Yirtzeh Hashem by Me"

I am anxious to get married

I am waiting

longing

for the day

when the sun will shine brightly

on me

and it will be

my turn.

Finally.

I am

always on edge

unsettled,

in between

Not yet...

Waiting for that magic wand

That will make me whole.

I pray for marriage

Knowing that it is the answer

it is the only

The right

To all that is wrong

with me

Because being single

represents a problem

A deep-rooted deficiency

Within me

They tell me

Otherwise I wouldn't

still be

single

after so many years

I am waiting

Because I know

that marriage is the ultimate prize

The highest praise

The greatest confirmation

Of one's worth-

of all that I am not.

I am waiting for the day when I will finally have that magical ring on my finger

That will turn me from

the social sadness

that I am,

the tragedy,

A representation of the breakdown of society and its values

Into a person

whole

complete

and worthy.

I long for marriage

and the rights that come with it,

I am waiting

Knowing that when it comes

I will finally be seen as an adult

And be taken seriously

a person

From that day forward

My views will be considered

My interests respected

My existence validated.

I am waiting,

to no longer have to justify my life choices

to be able to make decisions

say yes or no

when I want

based on what is right for me

Because until then

Until I have a man behind me backing me up,

My voice is discountable,

background noise

A maybe-

It doesn't really count

I am waiting

to get married

longing for the day

When I will no longer have to face the pity

and pity-saturated questions

At every wedding

Funeral

evening dinner

grocery store encounter

and telephone call

"Are you okay?"

"Who are you going with?"

"You were alone?"

"By yourself?"

I am waiting

for the day

when I will no longer have to nod

Smile

fake

internalize

project shame

alleviate your worries

ease your fears

and then...

"It's okay"

"It will be okay"

"Next will be you"

"You are so special, I just don't understand what is wrong"

They tell me

I am waiting to get married so that

I will no longer be considered a child

The child you see me as now

innocent

ignorant

ignored

one who could not possibly understand.

On that day

I will no longer be lumped together

With all the rest of the unworthy

Social derelicts

dragged along

included or excluded

assumed

A child

subject to the wills and wants of surrounding adults.

Not

yet

married.

I am waiting for the day

When I will be married

And then my home

will be considered a "real home"

And not just an apartment,

a temporary holding

not worth investing in

caring for

or visiting.

I am waiting

For my space to remain my own

to no longer have to justify it

or give it up

and disperse it

To adults

To people

The married

Who deserve it more

Because space - both physical and emotional-

Is reserved only for them.

They tell me

I am waiting for the day

when my personal life will remain personal

And not be the open book,

the open topic of discussion that it is

Subject to comment and criticism

constantly,

invading

appropriating

persistently chipping away at,

and annihilating

my own will,

deferring my existence,

its truth,

its light,

its validity,

its beauty,

to some far off day

when a man will finally be able to step in front of me,

validate me

make me

worthy

I am waiting

To get off stage

and stop performing

for others

So they get the picture of me they need

in the right boxes

With the right trimming.

I am waiting

Exit stage left,

Free at last

For only then

You tell me

can I start my life

And break free from the shackles that confine me.

Until then I am waiting

In limbo

Warned not to make any decisions

Or life plans

To wait

To keep my dreams on hold

my power in check,

my existence tamed

strategically displaced,

For one day my husband may want something else.

One day his desires may clash noisily with my own,

so better to wait,

defer,

turn out the lights,

get used to the darkness,

shutting myself off

shutting myself out of

life,

light,

love.

Any day now...

To say what I believe

to act freely on my values

Use my power

create change

To live my life

in my way

through my knowledge,

collected,

accumulated,

loving curated from all of my days

living

thinking

experiencing

deep self-knowledge,

to be who I am

and develop the person who I was meant to be

who I cannot be

you tell me

yet.

Free

From judgment

Off stage

no critics.

I long

to be allowed to experience the joy

happiness

contentment

I live now

Without justification

or excuse

I am waiting for the day

when I don't have to convince you

that yes

I am in fact

okay

I am waiting

For my life to be taken seriously

My experiences

Accomplishments

Struggles

And growth

To be seen

Accepted

And respected

Not in relation to my marital status,

not in relation to another human,

I am waiting

To be seen

And to be allowed to see myself

for who I am

and not for what you think is missing.

I am part of a community that sees marriage as the be all and end all

the ultimate secure status

that solidifies one's worth within society.

Who I am as a person is irrelevant,

they say to me.

G-d's plan for me is meaningless,

they mean

I am constantly taught

bombarded

convinced

That at the end of the day,

I am not a person.

I am not a woman.

I am not even a "single woman."

Who I am is: Not Yet Married.

And when they tell me, "Soon by you"

I must say full-heartedly, "Amen"

Because I know that when magic happens for me

In my universe

When my stars line up,

And I have repented for all my sins

and I have gotten the evil eye removed from my midst

and I have made peace on earth,

as perfect here as it is in heaven,

And repaired all of my deficient relationships

and I have asked forgiveness from all whom I am wronged

In this life and past lives,

When I have made peace with heaven

completed all of the rituals

and I have prayed

And swayed

Begged

And pleaded

Shacharis, Minchah, Maariv

every day

For forty days

All the songs

The pleas

And thank yous

Begging,

This time by me -

Only after

I have given charity

and done all of the good deeds

From rabbi to rabbi

Help me

Fix what is wrong

Because if I was right

if my existence meant anything at all

I would be married already.

Only after

I have done all of these things

that you ask of me

Perfected myself

Completely

As only married people are

Only then will I be whole

So yes,

If I were to give in

Surrender myself

to you

Completely

Im yirtzeh Hashem by me

Because only then

Will you let me

be free

be me.

signed-Not Yet Married, An Individual